Days like these

make me think about throwing in the towel. Make me rethink the reason I am still breast feeding. Make me want to say "I can't do it any more" " Why did I make this decision" " I should have caught that, I am not a very good social worker" make me want to call 911 for Ben& Jerry , a package of Milano cookies,the biggest Dr. Pepper on the rocks possible and the bag of Reeses Peanut butter cup eggs that I polished off by myself last week. Days like these make me want to fall to my knees and pray.
I am not asking for sympathy. I just need to put my day to paper.


Go to work..realize I have to see 20 patients in two days
Go go to an anonymous nursing facility to visit patients. Visit Patient A who doesn't want anything to do with me then patient B who is crying so much that I cannot understand her and I want to lose all my professional self control and cry with her.

Go to lunch with old co workers (from previous position in which I was laid off while Pregnant.. not a hot topic) Sit down while they are already discussing things I already know about previous catty, mean, lying, un reiable ex boss. Then new boss sits directly behind me at this restaurant and makes me so nervous I have to leave. Go back to nursing facility to visit patients, call from husband. Car broke down. OF COURSE IT DID. Go pick up husband. Follow husband to mechanic. Receive call from my team nurse..need emergency placement for demented patient. Of course WE DO. Run back to office to pump really quick so I do not explode like a milk jug.
Go to demented patients home and prepare for a transfer. This is a hard situation, he really wanted to stay in his own home, his family was willing to stay with him until he became paranoid and irritable. -Lung cancer-mets to the brain not an easy disease. The patient is confused, angry and tearful. The family and caregivers, tearful, upset with feelings of guilt.- Understandably so. -

did I mention that during the midst of this husband calls to say car will cost $1000 to fix-say it with me- Of course it will!

At the end of the day my mind is swimming. Why do I have this job in hospice? I am not nearly strong enough to handle this job. Did I just fail this patient, could I have done something more to help him stay at home? I don't know whats worse, dying suddenly or knowing you are going to die and having the disease process be slow and miserable. I have SO MANY patients say to me "can't we just hurry this along?" " I want to die already, how much longer?"- It is truly heart breaking to see these people in so much pain and linger. I know there is a reason God put me in this job. I just have yet to see it.