unplanned

 I really wish I could get pictures uploaded from my phone, but I rarely have the time. So here is yet ...another post without pictures.


We are very busy, but yet- not, all at the same time. Makes sense right? We are busy with life things. Last week I was running the girls to Vacation Bible School at a local church. This week its swimming lessons right after I get off work.  I love that the girls are busy but I want so much more for them than that type of busy. I want to be busy reading books and playing together, but I feel like when I am home I am lazy and exhausted or running around to do housework. Last night J was so exhausted that she fell asleep at 6 and slept through the entire night. On the other hand.... I didn't sleep for fear of "silent drowning", I kept thinking "how much water did she swallow at swimming lessons." " Is she still breathing" "oh no she coughed" " her heart is beating so slow"...." maybe I will try to wake her up"... she was just TIRED MOM! C'MON!


I can't help it.... I always think of  the worse case scenario... I was born that way. I used to watch my mom sleep on the couch and if I didn't see her breathing I would get real close and wake her up for fear that she was dead..... that makes me sad to think about, but its the truth. She didn't die that way...(on the couch , I mean) it was a little different than that. That day will forever be etched in my memory from what I was wearing to The events of the day, the feelings of numbness and sadness. It is fresh in my mind today as the 21 year anniversary of her death was this week... two days ago. I didn't remember the day of the week, though I just googled it... it was a Thursday. When I think of that day, I am ten years old again.  My sisters were away at church camp, I'm wearing black crops with lace on the ends and a 101 Dalmatian t-shirt and my favorite black hat with black roses on the front... (a "Blossom" hat if you remember that show...her friend Six always wore them.)   I had a Pepsi and a Snickers for breakfast because my Dad had to go to visit our mechanic.. and that's what was there... Afterwards I had my bags packed to stay with my aunt out of town. We went by the hospital before leaving town ..... I didn't realize that was the last time I would see her.... or maybe I didn't want to realize it....I remember standing beside her bed and stroking her hair, she was in a coma.( medication induced because of pain).. though I don't think I understood that at the time...I remember she started to vomit and it scared me, the caregivers that were staying with her were people from church and they helped clean her up. After that I continued to brush her hair. The woman caregiver asked me to tell my mom that I loved her, I couldn't or wouldn't , they even left the room so I would do it and I couldn't.  I was ten years old but that is one of the biggest regrets I live with even today at 31.  When we were walking out of the hospital I selfishly told my dad that I was tired of hospitals, my dad told me that I probably wouldn't have to go much longer...I didn't even think about it. We met my aunt half way and I rode with her to her  house, we went to the mall where I bought new tennis shoes because my current ones were worn out, we ate lunch and I took a nap while she went to the church up the street to do something, her two boys were home and were old enough to watch me. I was sleeping when I faintly heard the phone ring, I heard the boys talking and rushing around. I think I knew but continued to sleep. It seemed like hours passed when my aunt woke me up, but looking back I am certain it had only been 10 or 15 minutes since the phone rang.  When my aunt came home, she  took me out to her deck and sat me down. I knew. She told me my mom had passed. I was numb. I think I cried ... or tried to cry. After that we scurried around to go back home. I remember being really quiet.  I tried to sleep on the way back home an I was in and out.  In the days that followed I was attached to my dad, wanting to sleep in his room and throwing a fit when I didn't know where he was. I remember my maternal grandmother telling me that I shouldn't be that way. The months that followed were full of sadness. My poor dad was trying to grieve and care for 3 girls and find a new normal....when I think of that I pity him.... two teenagers and a pre-teen. 
I still think about or wonder what life would be like if she never got sick. What my sisters would be like, what I would be like and my dad. What life would be like if my own two girls had a second grandma. What would she be like as a grandma?  She loved babies. I distinctly remember how much she adored my cousin Jordan after he was born.  I  HATE telling people I don't have a mom, the looks of pity in their face, the "I'm sorry" the awkward moments that follow.... I just want to live a normal life. I usually avoid telling people unless there is no other out, because I don't want to lie or have them assume she left me on purpose or that my parents are divorced.  
There has been so many times where I wish I could pick up the phone and call her.  Situations I just don't know how to handle... situations I feel like if I had grown up with a mom... I would know how to handle it. I think I would be different.


I didn't have this post in my mind when I clicked "new post", I was going to write about a busy life and things my girls have been doing and how funny, fun, loving and stressful life has been. But I think I needed this, to write down my sadness. I am not one that tries to focus on that day, I really don't, but it never passes without me noting it in my mind or thinking about it, reliving it in my mind. I usually don't cry. I teared up today... writing this, it feels fresh. It makes me sad for that little 10 year old girl that I was, and yes I pity her because I know all of the things that follow her life after that. The events that she needed her mother for, the fights she longed for as a teenager, just so she could identify with  her friends, wishing her mom was there to tell her "no, not that  prom dress" or "you look beautiful in that one"... or the day she tried on wedding dresses, the tears shed over boys and friendships and growing pains, the day she found out she was pregnant, the day she found out "its twins", the day she became a mom and all of the other fun , sad , stressful moments that follow that every girl or woman needs her mother.

It's time

It's time to start blogging again. I have taken a long break from it but I enjoyed it when I did it, I like going back and seeing the girls grow and I feel like I won't remember a lot of what they are doing right now.... and baby books... I never think of those! So here it goes, Im going to try to write at least once a month.. So here is a quick recap over the last year. We finally moved!! wohoo! 7 LONG STRESSFUL months of having our home on the market and we sold it and moved to a better neighborhood and bigger house. No, its not our dream house but it is our home for our family for atleast the next few years .....( we aren't sure quite yet). Why we moved... Our old house was ... old, we had remodeled it entirely and grew tired of pumping all of our extra pennies into it, the yard was small and not at all kid friendly and the neighborhood was steadily going down hill and the school district we were in was not what we wanted for the girls so we made the decision to get out while we could. The house was put on the market in February and we moved into our new house October 18th. We went from a cute 3 bedroom 2 bathroom yellow split ranch to a cute green tri-level home with 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms...and a lot more cleaning. Our new house is an open floor plan and only 10 years old. The neighborhood is excellent and they are building a brand new school just down the street. We knew where we wanted to be for our kids, with a bigger house comes bigger bills so we are adjusting as anyone else does. We love our new neighborhood and the girls love having so much more room to move about. My dad sold our family home in March 2013... I was sad. A lot more sad than I let on but I knew it was best for him. He bought some land close to a small town about 45 minutes away from me and is building a pole barn house. Currently he is living with us until his home is complete. We have had many ups and downs through out the year but I am going to try very hard to just stay positive. Not as a new years resolution but as a lifestyle change. Ill keep ya posted.... maybe eventually post some pictures. The girls started preschool in the fall and they LOVE it, which is a good thing because they will have another year of preschool next year thanks to that September birthday :)

Change

After reviewing past blog post I realize how much things have changed in just 2 years.
God has really changed things, even after reading those painful blog post about the trials I endured, i can see He has been faithful.
Here I am - finally - with a job that I Love and feel secure in. My marriage is better than before. We have our house on the market and overall life is good.
My dad is moving closer and even though it breaks my heart to see the farm go, I know this is all Gods plan. While looking at old photos a and packing up My dads house I reminisced about good and bad times. Dad opened up and talked about some of the old family pictures, which I could hear a tad bit of sadness in his voice as he told the stories, I said " I sure hope this is what you want to do and that you don't regret this." he said ( a man of little words or emotion) " I need to do something different". For the first time I felt at Peace, he really wants a new and fresh start. I can't blame him, it will be 20 years in June , when my mom lost the battle her battle with cancer.  It has been 12 years since I have lived at home so I can only imagine how lonely he has been over the years. 

Being passionate- a Life Lesson

Twirly Birds, this is something that you will need to know in your future, by the time this is actually applicable to your life , the world will have different types of social media, less heart and very little about God.  I hope and pray that I am here to teach you these lessons and provide advice and support, but in case you are not speaking to me or I'm not here , here is one of many lessons I learned the hard way.
Passion. Passion is a good thing ... In small doses and being passionate about something is ok as long as you know when to keep thy lips or in this case ( fingers) closed or sensored.

It's not ok to be passionate or express opinion on any social media site, at work or around those that are not "safe."( more about safe people later)

Mommy is passionate about many things, God, Social Work, motherhood, feelings and well Politics. That's right, very boring yet highly sensitive material ahead. 🙅
During the presidential election of 2012 I  strongly felt that our current US political figure was not a good choice- for many reasons.don't get Mommy wrong now, I understood if others felt the opposite and I was ok with their right to feel that way, however , many people didn't know this bc of a few Facebook post that I posted - about the world ending (no I didn't actually truly believe that) if he won again and that I thought he was one belief or another- very controversial - which I thought I was just expressing my beliefs- freely when I was actually fueling gossip and negative attention.
After my political candidate lost, I was so sad- scared and just uncertain about what
 our futures held. I got on social media and expressed these feelings - again . People
Questioned what I was saying I relayed to them that I felt he was not out for our best interest and that it was possible he was another religion which didn't actually matter to me- but that's all people needed and so for the next three months the heat of the moment social media post haunted me. 3 days after the post i was attacked verbally , " Unfriended " and unliked by many people.
I cried and prayed and deleted everything - a hard lesson learned. Girls, I don't know if we learn sensoring from our mothers but it is a lesson that I had to learn the hard way.  I thought that I was showing people that God doesn't want abortions or legal drugs ( marijuana) (which you better not touch even if it's legal everywhere at this point), actually I was showing people opposite, I was seen as hateful and judgmental.- not ok. You will hear a saying W.W.J.D.- what would Jesus do. That is what you need to constantly keep in your beautiful, innocent minds, only speak about what would glorify God. God would not have been scared the way mommy was - he would say " pray for him".
God would not have argued with the people that attacked him,he would have shown them love.
Be passionate but use loving words, pray before you type or speak an if you don't feel peace, say nothing. Speak kind words, keep your morals and surround yourself with people that Love God.
All I know about the world to come is that it's not pure. A friend said to me that in the End times - " what's good will become evil and what's evil will become good. "Girls when in doubt, read your Bible and seek God-always.




Safe people ... Lesson to come... 



Now  "safe people "- include those that love you 

It's been awhile.....

It's been awhile since I posted something new. I was planning on giving this blog idea up for good, but I stumbled upon it today and decided to go ahead and give it a go again. After looking at pictures from previous post with a smile acrossed my face and an "aww" "Oh I forgot how little" and "Oh I miss that", I decided why not try again? I am in a much better spot in my life than I was then. SOOOOO much has changed. Don't get me wrong I have learned a lot of hard lessons recently too, but that seems to be what sticks- Right?

So whats new?
A new job- an answered prayer. I love it. I work with some really, really great people...gifts from up above, I believe. It's nice to talk about the Lord at lunch and for it to be ok!

Our house is officially on the Market -today. Please say a prayer, will you? That it sells, ofcourse I know its got to be God's will but I just have some jitters that I am certain are from the enemy!

The Twirly Birds- Oh where to begin?! They are potty trained...which was quite the task for us! But we made it! Thank goodness too because they just started tap and ballet... A-DOR-A-BLE , by the way. Nothing cuter than 3& 4 year old littles in tutu's and tap shoes! The best part- they love it, I'm relieved. I was hoping they would, I always wanted to do dance when I was little and it didn't happen so I was hoping they would be able to enjoy it.

My Bible study group is doing a Beth Moore study... she's good. She is absolutely gifted!! When I start one of the lessons I have a hard time putting it down to do other things because it is so intense!

Well, that is basically all that is interesting in my life right now... I will try to post some pictures soon!
God Bless!

a tiny update

Hello Blog world,
We have been absent for awhile.
Life has taken over and there has not been time for updates... and.... oh..... lets be real... I have not felt positive enough to write something other than
"Dear Depression and your evil partners in crime, Fear and Anxiety. Please move on, you have ruined my life for long enough."
If my honesty and self disclosure bothers you.... you may want to stop reading HERE.

It's true. I have been in the world of "crazy" for a majority of my life but you throw in the IUD hormones and a series of unfortunate events a little post traumatic stress, life stress, health problems, paycuts, relationships, secrets, lies, struggles, a lot of anxiety, depression  and a NIGHTMARE work environment... well if you have ever been through any of the above... you can imagine...

 I don't want to spend my time complaining or whining or throwing a pity party but I do want to say as I am on this journey/  this Season ..weathering this storm.... of self discovery and struggling with keeping my faith, please, please pray for me and my family and for doors to open for us. ... and my job... that I can move on.

On the positive end. The Twirly Birds have been very active, happy and healthy.  They love to dance... and I mean LOVE to dance.... like when we are at Applebees ... we get in the aisle and dance... a commercial ... we dance, in our car seats.. we dance. I'm kind of excited for this  because I love to dance... wasn't able to take lessons but I hope to enroll them and I hope they love it.
The Twirly birds are very shy... however... we did make our local newspaper... ahem ... front page... for the March of Dimes walk... (we're famous) and I must say... they did wonderful... very patient all 4 miles in 80 degree weather... I am blessed.

They are going to start a summer program one day a week, I am SO excited about this because I think it will help them be less shy and timid and build some confidence.

Well. I am exhausted .. more updates... to come with pictures... we are about to start renovating our kitchen..............

january is boring.

Potty training. It's amazing that any mother survives it... especially Moms of Multiples. I haven't put a ton of pressure on the girls because I know that won't speed it a long but I am really exhauste, but I am looking forward to not having to buy diapers... Do you know how much I have spent on Diapers over the last 28 months?...alot.
Lilly pop is doing really well. I think if I had a week off at home I would have her trained but that is not my reality. Cupcake couldn't care less about it until she sees her sister get an M&M. Then its a little melt down but I don't give in because I want her to learn on her own.

They follow me into the bathroom. Which I think can be good and bad... I was doing my business and Lilly pop heard a tinkle and she shouts " YAY, Good job Mommy." hahaha " thanks Lilly" glad you are proud of me ;-)


We have been taking full advantage of the play room. I AM LOVING IT. Probably more than the girls are... I know i have said this before but it is AWESOME to have a living room again.

When I look at this photo... as a Social Worker it makes me think of "tent City"... which is... was a real place here in town by the river. It is where the homeless community was, then the flood washed it away and they all had to disperse.... sad really.
But OUR tent city sparks lots of laughter between the twirlies playing, Chloe(our cat) hiding in them and from myself and the twirlies when I get stuck in them :)

Did I mention I have spring fever? I do. And spring fever and Old Navy sales=danger to my checking account. I do tell myself often that it is a good thing that I had two at once because if I just had one girl... OH MY would she be spoiled! Notice that not everything matches? I have branched out a little... and I do enjoy dressing them alike... I really do, But I let them pick out their cardigans.... Lilly Pop chose Green...which surprised me (lately she always wants "bue" (blue). Cupcake chose pink...which I thought she might choose yellow... but nope :)

When I had them try on their outfits I ended up having to get Cupcake a size smaller in pants because she is so stinkin skinny! I swear the child doesn't eat or grow. Lillypop is a champion eater.

Meanwhile the bedroom situation is not good. They still end up in bed with me -shoving Daddy out... or on the floor in our room. I had to stop sleeping in their room on the floor for obvious reasons and the fact that I was starting to experience MAJOR pain in my hips and back. It was so bad one night that I actually dreamt that I was getting pain medication...only to wake up and be in excruciating pain. SO I have tried it all. A baby gate. Music, everything. We will not go back to cribs. I am trying to talk the hubs into purchasing one twin bed with a trundle. GOOD IDEA RIGHT? But he hasn't agreed thus far.
We are also continuing our preparation for selling the house. Which surprisingly I have mixed feelings about...( some days). We looked at a new house, which was nice but small... but maitenence free which made it appealing...however the lot was even smaller than we currently own...which turned me off because I want a swing set for the twirlies and a place for DAISY to run...Poor dog. Well that is all that is going on in our little world.