unplanned

 I really wish I could get pictures uploaded from my phone, but I rarely have the time. So here is yet ...another post without pictures.


We are very busy, but yet- not, all at the same time. Makes sense right? We are busy with life things. Last week I was running the girls to Vacation Bible School at a local church. This week its swimming lessons right after I get off work.  I love that the girls are busy but I want so much more for them than that type of busy. I want to be busy reading books and playing together, but I feel like when I am home I am lazy and exhausted or running around to do housework. Last night J was so exhausted that she fell asleep at 6 and slept through the entire night. On the other hand.... I didn't sleep for fear of "silent drowning", I kept thinking "how much water did she swallow at swimming lessons." " Is she still breathing" "oh no she coughed" " her heart is beating so slow"...." maybe I will try to wake her up"... she was just TIRED MOM! C'MON!


I can't help it.... I always think of  the worse case scenario... I was born that way. I used to watch my mom sleep on the couch and if I didn't see her breathing I would get real close and wake her up for fear that she was dead..... that makes me sad to think about, but its the truth. She didn't die that way...(on the couch , I mean) it was a little different than that. That day will forever be etched in my memory from what I was wearing to The events of the day, the feelings of numbness and sadness. It is fresh in my mind today as the 21 year anniversary of her death was this week... two days ago. I didn't remember the day of the week, though I just googled it... it was a Thursday. When I think of that day, I am ten years old again.  My sisters were away at church camp, I'm wearing black crops with lace on the ends and a 101 Dalmatian t-shirt and my favorite black hat with black roses on the front... (a "Blossom" hat if you remember that show...her friend Six always wore them.)   I had a Pepsi and a Snickers for breakfast because my Dad had to go to visit our mechanic.. and that's what was there... Afterwards I had my bags packed to stay with my aunt out of town. We went by the hospital before leaving town ..... I didn't realize that was the last time I would see her.... or maybe I didn't want to realize it....I remember standing beside her bed and stroking her hair, she was in a coma.( medication induced because of pain).. though I don't think I understood that at the time...I remember she started to vomit and it scared me, the caregivers that were staying with her were people from church and they helped clean her up. After that I continued to brush her hair. The woman caregiver asked me to tell my mom that I loved her, I couldn't or wouldn't , they even left the room so I would do it and I couldn't.  I was ten years old but that is one of the biggest regrets I live with even today at 31.  When we were walking out of the hospital I selfishly told my dad that I was tired of hospitals, my dad told me that I probably wouldn't have to go much longer...I didn't even think about it. We met my aunt half way and I rode with her to her  house, we went to the mall where I bought new tennis shoes because my current ones were worn out, we ate lunch and I took a nap while she went to the church up the street to do something, her two boys were home and were old enough to watch me. I was sleeping when I faintly heard the phone ring, I heard the boys talking and rushing around. I think I knew but continued to sleep. It seemed like hours passed when my aunt woke me up, but looking back I am certain it had only been 10 or 15 minutes since the phone rang.  When my aunt came home, she  took me out to her deck and sat me down. I knew. She told me my mom had passed. I was numb. I think I cried ... or tried to cry. After that we scurried around to go back home. I remember being really quiet.  I tried to sleep on the way back home an I was in and out.  In the days that followed I was attached to my dad, wanting to sleep in his room and throwing a fit when I didn't know where he was. I remember my maternal grandmother telling me that I shouldn't be that way. The months that followed were full of sadness. My poor dad was trying to grieve and care for 3 girls and find a new normal....when I think of that I pity him.... two teenagers and a pre-teen. 
I still think about or wonder what life would be like if she never got sick. What my sisters would be like, what I would be like and my dad. What life would be like if my own two girls had a second grandma. What would she be like as a grandma?  She loved babies. I distinctly remember how much she adored my cousin Jordan after he was born.  I  HATE telling people I don't have a mom, the looks of pity in their face, the "I'm sorry" the awkward moments that follow.... I just want to live a normal life. I usually avoid telling people unless there is no other out, because I don't want to lie or have them assume she left me on purpose or that my parents are divorced.  
There has been so many times where I wish I could pick up the phone and call her.  Situations I just don't know how to handle... situations I feel like if I had grown up with a mom... I would know how to handle it. I think I would be different.


I didn't have this post in my mind when I clicked "new post", I was going to write about a busy life and things my girls have been doing and how funny, fun, loving and stressful life has been. But I think I needed this, to write down my sadness. I am not one that tries to focus on that day, I really don't, but it never passes without me noting it in my mind or thinking about it, reliving it in my mind. I usually don't cry. I teared up today... writing this, it feels fresh. It makes me sad for that little 10 year old girl that I was, and yes I pity her because I know all of the things that follow her life after that. The events that she needed her mother for, the fights she longed for as a teenager, just so she could identify with  her friends, wishing her mom was there to tell her "no, not that  prom dress" or "you look beautiful in that one"... or the day she tried on wedding dresses, the tears shed over boys and friendships and growing pains, the day she found out she was pregnant, the day she found out "its twins", the day she became a mom and all of the other fun , sad , stressful moments that follow that every girl or woman needs her mother.