BLECH. Stop reading now if you don't want to hear me whine, complain, vent , repeat or word vomit.
This is how I feel while I am at work.
Gross. Tired. Tearful. Though this picture was taken after a nap and rough evening with twirls... it is not far from what I feel inside while at work...daily. What I wouldn't give to be able to call up my mom and say... "I don't want to be an adult right now...for one minute... please help me through this." What I wouldn't give to not feel like I did when I was 14. Unsure of myself, no confidence or self esteem, why am I really in this job? Am I really cut out for this??? While I believe that God puts us where he wants us and can use us the most and I know he has a plan and a reason. While I am at work, I am struggling. Satan is really working over time there. When I visit people on my own(not training) I know that I connect with most of them. I know that I do a good job because my heart is genuinely in it. I don't struggle with the right thing to say because I know that I am human and so are they, they don't need big fancy words, they just need my help. They don't need me to judge them, they need me to LOVE them. But during my training, I find myself forgetting that, instead of worrying about the patient and their needs, I worry about why SHE is interrupting me, What SHE would want me to say and did I say that right? Did I do everything She told me to do? I bet She is thinking "why did she sit on that chair?! Social work is complicated, there is no text book that can tell you the "right way" to do things. It is all based off of learning experience, heart and a genuine concern for others. I know you are all saying..."SHE is just training you." But there is more to it than that. She makes me question myself, who I am, who I want to be? Am I bright? She just made a comment insinuating that she thinks I am stupid? Am I less of a person because I do not belong to the Country Club? Because I work ? Because I didn't get my pants at this store? Because I live on a Social Work salary? Because I don't believe that we should force this woman to give up and stop fighting CANCER and go on hospice instead because she is "costing us millions of dollars" No, because my children are more important than that store, I have more heart than Brains...and sometimes that is ok, who needs the Country Club?... the food is terrible (ha), I work because I want to...and need to and that woman that wants to continue fighting her cancer eventhough its "costing us millions".... thats ok, because she is not ready. She will be ready in time or .....God will. And thats OK, I am going to be OK. I just need to remind myself of that . I am ok. God loves me and he even likes me and... ya know what ..he thinks I am BRIGHT!!!
On another note.....the twirls received a package from my Aunt "Nana" today.... they were pretty excited...
Lillian hugging the bear. Joelle looking at the picture on a Christmas card... she does that... she likes to carry it around and talk to them... and gets REALLY mad when you take it away.
say it with me AWW...Now that I let it all out... I feel much better.
Yep! He does love you! You are good enough for Him!
ReplyDeleteAnd don't feel so bad... I got Christmas cards then neglected to collect addresses so they're still sitting on my desk and I have no desire to mail them out at this point. Too bad I put the year on the, I could just use them next year. ;)
Keep praying...that's how we can defeat Satan! I love you Tabby!
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