Are you there God?- its me Tabitha.... again

Did you ever read that book "Are you there God, it's me , Margaret?" I did. As a preteen I loved it, but don't remember that much about it now, but I feel like every day... I am saying that to him.

I don't really have all of this time to blog but I am taking the time to clear my head before bed.
If you read my 3 previous posts its all about my story. Anyway...
I Have started having nightmares again.... yuck. I feel scared just like a child. Afraid to go to sleep. After I lost my job I wouldn't/ couldn't sleep because of the trauma that just happened ..but when I did I had nightmares... and yes I did see a counselor and she validated every feeling...so I at least know I am not crazy.. but those nightmares... I felt like I hadn't really been asleep because I was just reliving what happened to me over and over and C was laughing and I woke up hyperventilating and crying and... scarying Brian.

Starting this new job I was thinking "fresh start"...but Ofcourse... everyone knew about my accident.. because ofcourse it had to be on the news.. which... is very annoying.. but alot of people asked questions so I told the story... even the part I hate admiting... it was my fault, my error..something I do all the time... but it was obviously meant to happen.

Now, the nightmares are about the accident.... flash backs and not surviving,the what ifs--what if a semi or a car had been coming when we rolled into oncoming traffic? thoughts about being a horrible mother, about all the terrible things....
the rolling, glass shattering

The tires... the tires squeeling... something about the tires... they were brand new... I still feel like they played a part in it ....but only God knows the answer to that.


I can still taste the dirt and glass in my mouth... the glass crunching in my teeth.... I keep trying to remember if I put my hands back on the wheel after reaching for the girls when I felt the rolling..but I don't know if I did or not... When I look at this picture... I noticed the temperature is still set, my air freshener still there...the glass in my seat that ...yes ended up in my "seat" along with a huge bruise...the change from the ashtray... my change was tossed around the car... my water dripping from the ceiling and my sonic cup... I have no idea...

The girls' face as I reached back for them when I could feel the car rock like a boat..and knew it was going to roll... me screaming "HELP US HELP US, OH GOD MY BABIES!!!"... thinking I was going to die... honestly I thought I would never see my girls alive again or I was going to die... I don't know if I blacked out or closed my eyes but when the car stopped...I was really disoriented...I just kept screaming " I have two babies I have two babies!"
When I finally crawled out of the passenger side to get to the girls they were crying... just like when they were born... it was a sound I listened for closely... Joelle's face was white as a sheet... which scared me but.... I THINK I scared her more...

This side rolled first...drivers side. Lillian was behind me... you can't see it but the glass is all spider webbed on both of our windows..not broken. how lucky....no I correct myself... How Godly was that?

I am hoping that I will just be able to move past all of this negative stuff... because as you have read... I can be pretty negative and throw AWESOME pity parties for myself...but I look and post the pictures again... to remind myself... I am lucky. I am blessed. God was there.... angels were there I know it. I could feel them... one of the witness' said it himself... so I can't start letting petty things get to me... God has me here, he has a plan..

I am just praying for a better week this week. Hoping for nomore nightmares, to sleep without medication, to be positive in my new job where everyone but my office buddy "K" is negative. She really is so sweet but we were told last week they are splitting us up... I cried... because I am just THAT emotional these days but also because she was my light there... she helped me survive the first week!

So heres to a better week for all of us. for the suffering, for the depressed, for the angry, for the dying, for the sad, for the anxious, for the happy care free people. May this week be wonderful. May all of us have something to celebrate.